Historically, St. Patrick’s Day was once the annual celebration of the guy that scared all the snakes away in Ireland. But in more recent years, the holiday has evolved into an excuse for the degenerates of the world, such as myself, to gather in a mutual location and drink until we almost die. Bars in every corner of town will mark up their drinks after adding green dye to classic cocktails as drunken twentysomethings roam the streets regurgitating radioactive ooze bound to turn turtles into teenagers. It’s all very disgusting, and we love to see it.
With the exception of last Friday when I filled my gut with all too much soju and red wine, I’m actually not much of a drinker anymore. But I used to be, and I’m sure everyone here has their fair share of college blackout tales to tell. As much fun as it can be to indulge in one too many adult beverages on a Friday night, it can make surviving the next day a nightmare. Weekends can waste away while your mind and body feel defeated from drinking literal poison. Hangovers are a hell of a time, and no matter what anyone tells you, there is no definitive cure. There are only things you can take to make the experience a little less miserable. To help you stay sharp the next day after your St. Patrick’s Day binge, The Inventory staff has put together a few remedies that have worked for us in the past.
I “recently” turned 30, so now having like a glass or two of wine means a guaranteed headache the next day. Neat! What I’m saying is, I’ve needed to refine my hangover cures with my rapidly increasing age. My go-tos these days are mostly liquid-based, like Nuun. Nuun is *Borat voice* my wife. Whereas Gatorade can be too sugary and Emergen-C does bananas things to my system, Nuun hits just right. It’s a tab of electrolytes, a hint of fizz, and a tiny bit of stevia. It’s refreshing and hydrating, and as a perpetually tired headache-haver, I genuinely feel myself regaining energy as I drink it. If that’s not enough, I go for the true OG: Alka-Seltzer. Aspirin, acid reducer, and a whisper of flavor, plus you’re forced to chug it. Works like a charm. And since eating is also important, you can never go wrong with the simple pleasure of housing Ruffles potato chips in front of Netflix. – Sophy
If there is a true hangover cure, will someone please tell me what it is? I usually take Advil or Tylenol, but experts recommend against this. While Advil can cause internal stomach bleeding, drugs containing acetaminophen like Tylenol can cause liver damage, and no one wants that. Instead, my foolproof remedy (notice I did not say “cure”) starts with coconut water. Not just any coconut water, though, as some brands’ water is made from concentrate and sometimes pasteurized to cut costs. I won’t recommend those here. Instead, pick up a pack of Harmless Harvest to keep on hand and save some for your next hangover. This completely natural solution will hydrate you back to health, fueling your body with electrolytes and potassium to remain undefeated by the horrors of alcohol. Pair it with a healthy piece of toast or saltines for a stomach-settling godsend. – Gabe
A lot of folks feel they need to eat something in the morning to power through their hangover. I’ve never been one to be able to eat right after I get up, even on a normal day after a night of zero drinking. When hungover, I’ll get nauseous at the sight of food with only one exception: something spicy. Hot sauce on eggs, cured. Hot sauce on bacon, cured. It’s been my one reliable method other than stopping myself from drinking so much the night before. My preferred easily-available hot sauce of choice is Cholula, which comes in a variety pack of five different sauce flavors. I’m partial to Original, but the Chili Lime, Chili Garlic, Chipotle, and Green Pepper versions are all great in their own right to cure your own unique hangover variant. If you’re extra daring, you can put a little bit in a glass with some Worcestershire sauce, a quick dash of salt and pepper, and a raw egg. “Better” may not be exactly how you feel after, but you will definitely feel something different.
I saw a county-by-county heat map once of the worst binge drinkers in the USA, where darker colors were worse. The darkest counties were every single county in Wisconsin, where I currently live, and Travis County—the county in which you can find Austin, TX—where I lived until last year. Did I indulge? Let’s just say I have a partial record of my time there, and I know of two hangover “cures” from the decade-plus I lived there: the first is breakfast tacos at Mi Madre’s, and the other is Topo Chico mineral water. Until very recently, you could almost exclusively find it in Texas, but the insatiable fires of capitalism swallowed it in 2017 when Coca-Cola bought it and spun up production for national distribution. For now, it remains unchanged. Best served ice cold, its refreshing, large bubbles and mineral content send an exhilarating, almost-painful tingle down your throat on the first gulp, then fills your belly with a simultaneously warm and cold feeling as the bubbles continue their effervescent toil. The thick, perspiring glass bottle is like a salve as you roll it over your pounding forehead. And if you’re in a place where you’re so wrecked you can hardly lift your head to drink, it seemingly never goes flat—I suspect the interior of the bottle to be an extradimensional space where reality curls in on itself, allowing more bubbles than would otherwise be possible in so cramped a space. In short, it gives you life when you feel like absolute dogshit death. For those of you who have no local access to this hallowed refreshment, well, at least you can still get it on Amazon.
