The Chip Shortage Is Totally Out of Control

Thanks to the ongoing chip shortage, GM is dropping features like start/stop, wireless charging and heated seats, BMWs are going without touchscreens and Nissans are losing their satellite navigation systems. Porsche Macans are temporarily doing without their 18-way power seats. And Mercedes is dropping most V-8s until 2023, for reasons that remain unclear, but let’s say chip shortage.

But that’s just the beginning. After months of exhaustive reporting, thousands of dollars in bribes and several minor break-ins, I’ve uncovered even more problems that are unfolding across the industry. And people, this chip shortage thing is going to get worse before it gets … even worse. Here’s a breakdown of how this semiconductor semi-catastrophe will affect the automotive universe heading into 2022. I’m telling you, it’s going to get so bad that Porsche drivers foregoing their 18-way power seats will no longer seem like a big deal in the historic context of human suffering and deprivation.

Tesla

Teslas look sleek and modern on the outside, but underneath? All vacuum tubes and transistors. So they’ll be fine. However, due to the chip shortage, Tesla’s CEO will no longer be equipped with a phone.

Jaguar

Everyone’s favorite car company out of Coventry actually has a stockpile of chips, left over from the days of Ford ownership. “They wanted us to put those SecuriCode keypads on everything but we just forgot, so now we have pallets of chips sitting around,” said my secret and absolutely real source. However, that doesn’t mean it’s all bangers and mash over at Land Rover’s feline fraternal twin. There’s no chip shortage, but Jaguar nonetheless has production trouble due to a chap shortage. All their chaps are a bunch of skives who can’t be arsed to screw on the bits n’ bobs that make the boot or bonnet on your F-Type or F-Pace. The company says that it’s looking at replacing its chaps with blokes and lasses, and possibly even some geezers.

GMC

The 2023 GMC lineup: All carburetors, baby. Two-barrel for the Terrain, four-barrel for the Acadia, six-pack for the Sierra HD and Hummer EV, which I’ve learned secretly uses a mid-mounted 454 V-8 with tons of noise insulation.

Chip Ganassi Racing

Chip Ganassi Racing will obviously have to make some adjustments. Thanks to supply chain disruptions, the teams have a new interim name: Chip Racing. Because in this case, there are plenty of Chips but not enough Ganassis. That’s not true in the world of custom cars, though, where the big name in the Overhaulin’ game is now Chet Foose.

BMW

Between microchips and other supply chain disruptions, BMW is being forced to dust off old tooling and build whatever it can. Thus the 2022 model year lineup will consist solely of the E46 M3, the E39and E60 M5, and the E30 325ix for those who need the year-round traction of all-wheel-drive. A lack of SMG transmissions means that those E60 M5s will all be the manual-transmission one. Sorry, everyone.

Buick

Buicks won’t lose Amazon Alexa functionality, but they’ll just stop making such a big deal about it. Honestly, Run the Jewels does more to promote Buick than Buick does.

Toyota

Toyota really thought this might be the year they’d redesign the 4Runner, but, you know, supply chains being what they are, for 2022 they’ll just have to sell another 130,000 of the old one at full MSRP—despite it dating back to the Harding administration. Also, for reasons having to do with a shortage of rear-seat entertainment systems, all Sienna vans will lose one seat of passenger capacity, which will be devoted to a live magician. As a no-cost option, buyers can substitute a clown, but Toyota expects a take rate of less than 10 percent.

SUBARU

New Subarus will no longer include a complimentary Golden retriever, though the Crosstrek models will still come with an array of anodized carabiners and two vintage Nalgene bottles. Most surprising, the new WRX eschews a turbocharger for a 100-shot NOS nitrous system that’s voice activated with a “Hey Subaru” prompt. As in, “Hey Subaru, there’s a Golf R in the next lane,” and, “Hey Subaru, we’re leaving the high-school parking lot!” As before, with any purchase of a new Subaru, the company will give $250 to a wolf.

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