Oh my god, why are you here, looking for Christmas decorations, when we’re already 6 days into December? Okay, you’re right; it’s not worth it to examine how we got here. We need to figure out what to do about it now that we’re here. Okay, so you probably need, what, a tree? Some lights? Maybe some cheerful little things to put out in your yard? Alright, I think I can help you—’tis the season after all, right?—but you’re really gonna owe me after this, okay? Okay, well, here goes.
Okay, you are gonna shit when I tell you about this one. So I know you’re busy, and wrapping string lights around a tree isn’t exactly your strong suit. And yeah like half the bulbs are always out anyway, right? Well, I found this pre-lit tree at Target. It’s 6 feet tall, stuffed with clear lights—like 250 of ‘em. Yeah, I know. Just go buy it. What? Not tall enough? Just put it on a box or something and cover the bottom with a tree skirt!
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Sure, let’s try this again, moneybags. Since that first one wasn’t good enough for you, maybe you wanna throw some dough at it? I know, I know, you still need a deal, what do you think we’re doing here? Alright, so you want the tree to be more realistic; well it ain’t get much more realistic than this 7.5′ Dunhill Fir artificial tree from National Tree Company. Its bushy branch tips look so realistic you’d have to get right up to it to tell the difference, and it’s pre-lit like that last one, so you still don’t have to deal with lights. And hey, since we’re spending big kid money on this, how about some colorful LEDs with 10 light functions you can cycle through with the included foot pedal? This puppy will set you back just $396, how’s that strike you? Okay, I see you’re balking a little, hey I get it, prices like that make me a little green around the gills too, haha, that’s a little Christmas color joke, get it? Still, it’s the best I can do—I mean best Amazon can do; I’m actually not the guy selling this stuff, I’m just trying to help an old pal, okay?
Since I know you’re a person with discerning tastes, but you also like to let loose a little every now and again, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: they got palm trees too. No, I ain’t pullin’ your leg, this is the real deal! A 6′ fake palm tree, and guess what, it’s pre-lit. I know! But listen, I talked to my guy down at Macy’s and he said he’ll knock 50% off this piece of ju wonderful product charge you just $108 this time, but why don’t you and me just keep that little detail between our heads and our hats, huh? Don’t wanna get them thinkin’ I’m just giving away deals here to any old huckster happens to come along, right?
Look, we might as well talk about your lawn while we’re here. You can’t just put up lights. I mean, you can, but people will really think you planned all this out if you got some sparkly reindeer, right? I mean think about it. Every time you look at someone’s house and they got reindeer out front in December, ain’t you just assume they have it all figured out? Right, so Target has these twinkly reindeer for sale right now for 20% off—they got matching ones, too, so you can get this li’l baby deer for $40, and then you can get its pappy for $80. Hmm? The mama? Hey, you ever seen Bambi? You know what, look, it’s not important, we gotta talk about the rest of this crap.
Okay, now this is something special. Look, I need you to promise you’re not gonna just yank this one outta my hands and go running before I show it to you okay? Haha, I’m just kidding I know you better’n a thief, okay? Alright, listen, I have one of these at my house I love it so much. Okay not this exact thing, but I got the string light version but this is like, well I mean look at it, it’s fancy lights that you set up to look like a tree. In your yard, yeah! I mean your house if you want probably, but no, you gotta show your neighbors this thing. This is how you establish real Christmas dominance, you know what I’m saying? This thing has 300 RGB LED lights and you know what? You can set them to do all kinds of crazy patterns and colors, put on a real show, you know? And you can connect it to all the smart, uh, you know the smart whatsits, like your Alexa and what have you, then you get to tell the lights who’s boss! How about it! Anyway, I know Jeff Barnyard himself and I asked him to knock 20 bucks off, told him you and me go way back, so you can have this thing for $280 instead of $300, how’s that strike ya?
Okay, alright, I get it, you don’t wanna put that much crap outside, sure. Okay, let’s get you some bang for your buck. How’s about this snowflake projector? It’s marked down 16% to $30. That’s down from $37! We’re talkin’ aggressively lazy decorating here, pal. If this ain’t gonna do it for you, I don’t know what will. So should I go ahead and bag this up?
Hey, before you go, I got this one other thing, I been savin’ it for someone special and I think you might be the … no? Okay, well I thought I’d give it a shot. Not even for 40% off? This thing’s usually $50, you know. No? Okay, I get it. Alright, catch you later pal.
This article by Wes Davis was originally posted on 12/3/2021. It was updated by Zoë Hannah on 12/4/2021 and Gabe Carey on 12/6/2021.
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